Coping with Disappointment
Do you remember any of the disappointments that you experienced in childhood? I know we all had them, times when some promised treat never materialized, a parent failed to follow-through on a promise, something important to you but not so important to others was put aside or forgotten…
As a parent, I try not to promise too much, to guard against too much anticipation from my “I can’t WAIT until Christmas it is too long!” daughter. But sometimes she knows of events ahead of time, such as when an invitation arrives for her to a little friend’s “Monster Truck Birthday Party.” I dutifully note it on my calendar, and do plan to take her…
But then I get busy and forget to look at my calendar… funny how that happens, right? And plan a family gathering for family members who are shortly moving far, far away, that is where my focus is. The day goes by in a blur, another family friend arrives and invites 5 year old Charlotte for a sleep-over and Charlotte is elated and immediately packing, ready to rush home with her for a night of fun and movies that Mommy might not let her see (which I know will largely be ignored because she will be too busy playing and chatting). In the rush and excitement, the Monster Truck party is forgotten…
Until I remember the next day. “Oh NO!” I exclaim to my husband, my stomach turning over, because I know how very, very disappointed she will be. She LOVES parties, and it was for a favorite friend she doesn’t see often. I fret, not sure whether to break the news as soon as I can or keep silent, waiting for it to occur to her to ask me about it, since though sometimes her sense of time is accurate other times she seems to float along in her own world unaware of Important Days until reminded by someone. I mentally braced myself against what I anticipated would be tidal wave of disappointment when she remembered… because I too remember missing the party of my best friend when I was her age. Driving with my parents somewhere, an aimless drive to me because I didn’t know where we were going, a soft exclamation by my mother and muttered comment to my father, which I of course heard, “Oh no, Beth was supposed to go to Amy’s birthday party this afternoon!” The tears and begging on my part, couldn’t I just go late, just to say hi! The calm explanations from my parents, the lingering sadness and disappointment on my part… oh, I knew just how Charlotte would feel.
Today was the day that she remembered. “Mommy, did we miss the Monster Truck party?” My explanation, which immediately seemed to anger her. “You shouldn’t have family parties when I have my friend’s birthday parties! I didn’t want to be at that party anyway!” Tears and upset give way to insults, “I wish you weren’t my parents!” implying other parents would not have forgotten the much anticipated Monster Truck party. I quickly drew a line… “It’s OK to be mad and sad that you missed the party… I feel sad too! But it’s not OK to insult your family and say mean things about us just because we forgot. I’m very sorry, sweetie…”
Amazingly, the tidal wave of disappointment was smaller than I expected. Obviously upset, she stopped her angry words and thought for a while. “How about we have a birthday party playdate with him? Maybe with cupcakes?” It would be a good idea to do a playdate… I could pick up some grocery store cupcakes, I thought.
“Maybe I’ll talk to his mommy about it…” No promises, though I’m aware that to her that is probably as good as a yes.
I decided that a special mommy-daughter outing would be fun. Not to necessarily make up for the missed party, but sometimes I feel that I don’t get to spend enough time just with Charlotte. She’s fun to take places, generally cooperative and always chatty. I propose a breakfast at Starbucks and heading to the local Farmer’s Market together. Her eyes light up, and I’m rewarded with a big hug.
All is not forgotten, but I know that she’s coping with her disappointment… it’s Ok to feel sad, and I know that she can handle it. A hard life lesson but I know that she will be better for it. And I have a feeling that she might start keeping her own social calendar soon, too, help out her absent-minded mama!
Cross-posted at In the Thicket